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I may be inflicting physical and psychological self-harm to myself every time I purge, telling myself that I am not thin enough to make a come back from whatever meal or binge I just had. But the emotional hurt that I put on others is the hardest to take. I write this in tears after seeing how yet another one of my family members is dealing with my problem. And it kills me that there is next to nothing I can say or do to make them feel better about Stacy and what she is doing to me. They tell me it makes them “sad” or “scared” to see me do this to myself. They hurt every time they notice I am red eyed and coughing after a meal. But what do they want me to tell them? Comfort them? Tell them “don’t worry I’ll be fine”? They tell me their thoughts hoping that somehow their misery will drive me to be better, to get healthy with just those words. But really I just leave feeling worse about myself, feeling like I am chipping away at those who care about me. I am the horrible person to blame for their hurt and their sadness. Knowing myself, this feeling may in certain cases try and convince me to binge. Even now, running hot on emotions, I am listening to the voice telling me to binge and ignoring it.
And what hurts the most is that I never receive praise. This may sound ridiculous to some. Why and how would I receive praise? To others eating a three-course meal and not purging after is normal and insignificant. But to me it’s monumental and a mountain scaled. But every time I slip up, make a mistake or “relapse” I am coddled, looked at with judging faces or broken spirits. I hate to repeat myself but progress will come in waves and failures are bound to happen. So just by having everyone know about Stacy is not going to suddenly be the magic fix. There is no quick fix or else no one would have an eating disorder. There is some false idea that just by suddenly being aware of the problem, the whole thing will be a quick and easy one-month (max) fixer-upper. Thinking that after acknowledging and immediately working on a plan for recovery I too will experience some instantaneous form of upturn. When in reality, I say with deep sadness, I will be extremely lucky to have overcome my eating disorder one year from now, earliest. I’m sorry to all those who are hurt by that statement. But I want to be realistic here on my blog. There is no point in sugarcoating.
Because lets be real, I can’t eat sugar. Yet.
And what hurts the most is that I never receive praise. This may sound ridiculous to some. Why and how would I receive praise? To others eating a three-course meal and not purging after is normal and insignificant. But to me it’s monumental and a mountain scaled. But every time I slip up, make a mistake or “relapse” I am coddled, looked at with judging faces or broken spirits. I hate to repeat myself but progress will come in waves and failures are bound to happen. So just by having everyone know about Stacy is not going to suddenly be the magic fix. There is no quick fix or else no one would have an eating disorder. There is some false idea that just by suddenly being aware of the problem, the whole thing will be a quick and easy one-month (max) fixer-upper. Thinking that after acknowledging and immediately working on a plan for recovery I too will experience some instantaneous form of upturn. When in reality, I say with deep sadness, I will be extremely lucky to have overcome my eating disorder one year from now, earliest. I’m sorry to all those who are hurt by that statement. But I want to be realistic here on my blog. There is no point in sugarcoating.
Because lets be real, I can’t eat sugar. Yet.