Now here is something I doubt anyone would have guessed. Traveling is when I find myself the most vulnerable to giving into my binge-purging cycle. Now let me explain why. For me I often am traveling alone and for long periods of time, usually upwards of 20 hours. Because I am alone I find that it is easy for me to go through with the binge and purge actions without the suspicion of others. There is no one to raise suspicion or question why I suddenly require a restroom only moments after eating. Another reason airports are a dangerous place for me is that the food offered while traveling is rarely of the nutritious variety. McDonalds are almost guaranteed, fast food is a must when traveling and when you do finally find a place that sells a decent looking salad in a glass case you find out that for that same price you could have three orders of something with three times the fat content (sodium, sugar and other fun things included). So its cheaper to eat something terrible for me and there is no complications when trying to dispose of the calories later. Second to last reason traveling encourages bad behavior is the in-air meals that they serve. Usually measly portions of carb-stuffed starchy foods like pasta and white rice with ¼ cup salads and packaged brownies. The hunger from having little food before or between flights (because of the fucking cost of food) encourages me to eat the meals that only make me feel guilty later, and more often than not the guilt leads me to eagerly wait for the lavatory light to turn green. Now the last but probably the most significant reason that I cant help but say yes to every temptation is that usually when I am traveling I am leaving someone, something, friends, family, memories (you get the general gist) behind. But at the same time there is excitement involved. Starting a vacation, a new school year, seeing someone, something, friends, family jada jada jada. So I fluctuate between the two most common sentiments that induce emotional eating.
So sounds pretty bad huh? Well it really can be, and I know first hand from experience. But this time was different. I went into it knowing that there would be temptations and urges, when usually I go in thinking I am going to have self control and it’s going to be a cake walk. I needed to stop lying to myself. When I accepted and started realizing when and where I would most likely give into temptations I can go into the situation with a strengthened willpower. To help explain what I am talking about here is an example: When I go to “all you can eat” establishment I used to think “oh its whatever I will just have a respectable amount and be done”. But then in reality i would end up consuming way more than I should and feel horrible after. And the reason that happens is because I entered the situation overly calm and not being honest with myself about my problem. Now I don’t fool myself, I know I am a fragile and constantly on a precipice with my disorder. By acknowledging it I am more likely to control it.
So sounds pretty bad huh? Well it really can be, and I know first hand from experience. But this time was different. I went into it knowing that there would be temptations and urges, when usually I go in thinking I am going to have self control and it’s going to be a cake walk. I needed to stop lying to myself. When I accepted and started realizing when and where I would most likely give into temptations I can go into the situation with a strengthened willpower. To help explain what I am talking about here is an example: When I go to “all you can eat” establishment I used to think “oh its whatever I will just have a respectable amount and be done”. But then in reality i would end up consuming way more than I should and feel horrible after. And the reason that happens is because I entered the situation overly calm and not being honest with myself about my problem. Now I don’t fool myself, I know I am a fragile and constantly on a precipice with my disorder. By acknowledging it I am more likely to control it.