Recovery is an uphill battle to say the least, but like most challenges that “uphill” will eventually end and you will find yourself past the apex of your journey and enjoy the pleasant downward slope that will finally have you arrive at your destination. I call this "Over the Hump".
It is with great pride I sit here and type those words because I do finally believe I am finally over that horrible apex. I have found myself in a comfortable routine that I think is long term. There were several approaches I took in the past year to try and quote on quote “recover”. But none of which were sustainable. Over exercising gets tedious and is not practical. Trying to restrict food intake only pushes me to binge further. Trying to stay overly occupied and busy is stressful and hard on the body in other ways, not to mention not possible 100% of the time (vacations etc.).
So what changed? It’s the acceptance of imperfection, the painful realization that you will never be the image you have in your head. Its acknowledging that all that starving, exercise, binging and purging is not going to ever satisfy you. What I did was sit down and really weight out the pros of being sick and skinny with the pros of being normal and healthy. Here is what I came up with:
It is with great pride I sit here and type those words because I do finally believe I am finally over that horrible apex. I have found myself in a comfortable routine that I think is long term. There were several approaches I took in the past year to try and quote on quote “recover”. But none of which were sustainable. Over exercising gets tedious and is not practical. Trying to restrict food intake only pushes me to binge further. Trying to stay overly occupied and busy is stressful and hard on the body in other ways, not to mention not possible 100% of the time (vacations etc.).
So what changed? It’s the acceptance of imperfection, the painful realization that you will never be the image you have in your head. Its acknowledging that all that starving, exercise, binging and purging is not going to ever satisfy you. What I did was sit down and really weight out the pros of being sick and skinny with the pros of being normal and healthy. Here is what I came up with:
Now this isn’t even a fully fair look at the whole picture, because although I am now comfortable eating out and indulging once in a while, I still enjoy trying to eat whole and healthy foods. So I continue to remain small, just not underweight! Which is something I still am adjusting to. Being in the normal BMI range is something that is comforting, but at the same time it is very hard to let go of those self-loathing thoughts, and replace them with loving ones. This is something I will struggle with for a long time. With my physical symptoms (calorie restriction, over exercising, binging and purging) under control with the rare slip up, I can slowly work on my mental symptoms and one day I will be a normal person with normal insecurities.