So after arriving in Lombok and getting to our villa on the Gilli Islands we started the arduous task of ordering dinner. At the hour that we arrived (really late) the only thing available was Thai food. So I went for the vegetarian Tom Yum curry which was pretty awesome but although coconut milk is in fact vegan, fuck is it thick and full of fat. Plus my dish was served with while rice that I found hard to resist. Not feeling to great after the meal I unfortunately gave into my ED ways. But today is a new day and I am feeling really confident about improvement. The selection of food has increased and we found fruit! Oh and not just any old fruit… Beautiful ripe islander fruit that makes me want to strip naked, throw coconuts on my breast and twirl in a straw skirt. That kind of fruit. Now I wish I had a picture of the mango from the inside because although green on the outside it was lush, juicy and sweet enough to cause cavities. But unfortunate the mere exposure of the fruit’s flesh caused a powerful and immediate reaction with my family and I’s consumption mechanism, and the whole thing was gone in seconds. And as for the dragon fruit: HOW DOES THIS COLOR OCCUR NATURALLY IN NATURE?! Mind boggled. Plus it was also scrumptious. Lunch was a tofu veggie Asian style soup that was delicious and a handful of my sisters French fries. ON THAT NOTE: don’t be foolled when someone tells you they’re vegan and suddenly think they must be golden from the inside because don’t forget that things like fries and chips are vegan too, not to mention the oddly disturbing realization that Oreos are vegan too… yes, those “cream” filled cookies that we love are in fact, cream-free… questionable don’t you think? So, Day two of the Vegan Diaries and we are going strong. I have taken the predictable plunge into veganism. Now this is as of now TEMPORARY. I simply want to test out the lifestyle while overseas in Lombok Indonesia, which honestly may be the worst idea ever. Much of Indonesian cuisine is centered around meat but hopefully I will be able to get creative with it. I predict obscene amounts of fruit in my immediate future.
For my first vegan dinner, the family and I went to a place we all rather enjoy called The Living Cafe in Singapore. It’s a healthy eating restaurant that caters to vegans and rawist, although also having meat options as well. I went for the raw pesto pasta, which was practically goats food… Yes it looks pretty and in all honestly it tasted alright, but honestly… what a dull meal. I wan constantly nibbling at my mom’s baked sweet potato fries and my dad’s pizza crust. So there it is, entry one of my so cleverly and not so originally named: Vegan Diaries. Updates are to be expected. And above all… failures are to be anticipated. Thanksgiving Day: Romper: Forever 21 Boots: Biala Nordstrom Bag: Forever 21 Necklace: Forever 21 Sunglasses: Lookbook Store Key Features: Cool (California weather), semi-formal, extra give for a full stomach ;) Travelers Look:
Top: Brandy Melville Necklace: Brandy Melville Black Jeans: JustUSA Flannel: Forever 21 Boots: Biala Nordstrom Bag: Givenchy Key Features: Comfort, mobility, adaptable to temperature There is a bit of a sour realization at hand here today. As I am recovering and getting better from day to day, given I do slip up, but that’s to be expected and normal, I find that there is less to write about. SO! I have decided to turn this blog into a lifestyle blog! As my life becomes more normal, I reckon my blog should make that transition too. So to kick off the start of my lifestyle blog why not find a middle ground? Lets have a review of a restaurant. Well, “review” sounds like I’m a snob with a taste for fine dining. And trust me that’s no the case! I love cooking myself at home, habit from when I used to be afraid of eating out due to my eating disorder. But before all that my family and I did go out to eat at restaurants often and I think its and area where my opinion means something, due to the sheer frequency that I eat out. Two nights ago my boyfriend’s aunt and uncle were in town and lucky for us they have a fabulous taste palette. We ate at Seastar Restaurant & Raw Bar, a place right next and associated with the Pan Pacific Hotel, in downtown Seattle. The ambiance the restaurant had was very warm and welcoming with a bar area off to the left as you enter and a busing/serving arena centered in the room. Although a restaurant where the bill will rack up to about 80 dollars per person (give or take depending on your appetite/tastes and number of courses) the setting of the place was rather casual. This is something I rather enjoy because I am a firm believer that the price of your dress should not reflect on the quality of your fuel. Now the restaurant also has an acclaimed sushi portion of the menu, but on that I am afraid i cannot comment due to the fact that we decided to stick to the cooked portion of the menu. The recommended courses were as follows: For Starter: · Seastar Tower . . . 38 As Entree: · Cedar Plank Roasted Skuna Bay Salmon . . . mp (market price) · Alaskan Halibut . . . 38 · Cedar Plank Roasted Alaskan King Crab . . . mp Dessert: · Seastar Dessert Trio We opted for all the recommended dishes as follows: Our starter, the Seastar tower, a "to share" three part starter with crispy noodle wrapped saffron shrimp, scallops in a tropical fruit chutney and dungeness crab cakes. My favorite being the crispy noodle wrapped shrimp. Served with a creamy butter sauce it was a win win. The scallops coming in second, mainly because of the chutney it was served with and then the crab cakes. Not at all because the crab cakes were bad, because they were incredible, but at the same time, when aren't crab cakes amazing? The other two dishes were simply more unique. I was the spoilt little girl and decided on the King Crab as my Entree, but was lucky enough to also try the Skuna Bay Salmon, since that was what my boyfriend ordered. His uncle selected the salmon as well while his aunt chose the halibut so I was fortunate to get a good look at all of the “star” dishes. The crab was served with roasted garlic veggies and a butter sauce and it was incredible. The four perfectly cracked crab legs were soft and tender and were practically butter in consistency without the butter sauce. And a lovely touch for all those garlic lovers (like myself) is that in the vegetable medley whole roasted garlic cloves were tossed in the mix. Now if you have never tasted roasted garlic cloves you are missing out. The sharp raw garlic taste is replaced with a rich warm flavor that just melts in your mouth. The Salmon was cooked in a thick rub that tasted incredible and resembled that of a steak rub, smokey and full of flavor. Accompanied by amazing citrus rice and smokey broccoli, delicious. Although I did not taste the halibut it seemed to have been prepared similarly to the salmon (with citrus rice and roasted vegetables) and My boyfriends aunt said it was incredible, and I have no doubt that it was Finishing with the Dessert Trio of mini apple crumble, chocolate caramel filled molten cake and a coconut creme tart. Each dessert wonderful, but my favorite the apple crumble. Warm gooey apple filling with crunch pie crust throughout and a dollop of vanilla ice cream on top, theres just no beating it.
Amazing restaurant all in all, recommended to all seafood lovers. Recovery is an uphill battle to say the least, but like most challenges that “uphill” will eventually end and you will find yourself past the apex of your journey and enjoy the pleasant downward slope that will finally have you arrive at your destination. I call this "Over the Hump". It is with great pride I sit here and type those words because I do finally believe I am finally over that horrible apex. I have found myself in a comfortable routine that I think is long term. There were several approaches I took in the past year to try and quote on quote “recover”. But none of which were sustainable. Over exercising gets tedious and is not practical. Trying to restrict food intake only pushes me to binge further. Trying to stay overly occupied and busy is stressful and hard on the body in other ways, not to mention not possible 100% of the time (vacations etc.). So what changed? It’s the acceptance of imperfection, the painful realization that you will never be the image you have in your head. Its acknowledging that all that starving, exercise, binging and purging is not going to ever satisfy you. What I did was sit down and really weight out the pros of being sick and skinny with the pros of being normal and healthy. Here is what I came up with: Now this isn’t even a fully fair look at the whole picture, because although I am now comfortable eating out and indulging once in a while, I still enjoy trying to eat whole and healthy foods. So I continue to remain small, just not underweight! Which is something I still am adjusting to. Being in the normal BMI range is something that is comforting, but at the same time it is very hard to let go of those self-loathing thoughts, and replace them with loving ones. This is something I will struggle with for a long time. With my physical symptoms (calorie restriction, over exercising, binging and purging) under control with the rare slip up, I can slowly work on my mental symptoms and one day I will be a normal person with normal insecurities.
The past 3 weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been living out of a suitcase for almost a month and now I finally finished setting up my new apartment and have time to sit down and post something. It’s quite incredible how in just that short time frame I have had so many ups and downs, some even in the same day. Today I will be highlighting those I found most significant to my overall recovery process. Here is the short breakdown of where I have been these past few weeks. End of August I flew back to Los Angeles to spend about 9 days with my boyfriend. On the 6th of September I flew to Seattle to stay with my future roommate in a Fraternity. I was there for about 10 days before I finally could move into my own place. But moving in was no cakewalk. We had to buy and build every piece of furniture in our apartment. But this is all leading up to one big point!
I was busier than a bee in May. I had no time to even think about anything other than the things I was doing or the people I was with. Me being so busy acted as a sort of distraction from eating! Which is new to me. Forcing a distraction is one thing (does not work) but genuinely being preoccupied is another. Before food would consume my every thought but with activities to do and a real agenda to get to I had no time to worry or overthink my eating habits! Now this does not mean that I have found an all mighty cure because there is no way I can be this busy for the rest of my life. That is just unheard of. But what this does is let me know that my physical being is capable of handling and receiving normal feeding without feeling hungry all the time. What this proves exactly is that my “binge-hunger” is very much psychological and not physical. But that was not always the case. When I used to restrict calories for weeks at a time my body was in dire need of nourishment. So back then I was binging out of physical need. My body was starving and was calling out for food! But now that I am slowly incorporating myself into a normal diet the urges I feel are merely habits that I established from when I used to starve. And like any bad habit, you simply have to learn how to break it. So here is something interesting. Did you know that the condition PCOS, Polycystic ovary syndrome, causes girls to have food cravings and harsher mood swings? Well fuck me. Now as you may have inferred from my dismay I myself have recently been diagnosed with PCOS. To be diagnosed with PCO you need to show 2 of 3 possible symptoms: cysts found within the ovaries, not getting your period and overproduction of testosterone. Now luckily I only have the first two symptoms that I mentioned and don’t have issues with overgrowing facial/body hair.
So now with the BREIFEST of introductions to the syndrome let me explain treatment: forcing… my… period. Now you may ask how and why is this treatment? Well by forcing my period (using the contraceptive pill) I am flushing out my system and allowing there to me some form of regulation on my hormones. This will deal with the bad mood swings and food cravings. Given I only will have to “force” it maybe 4 times a year I still fear the weight gain that often is associated with contraceptive pills. Obviously a ridiculous fear considering I will distribute my 4 times a year over the course of the entire year. But getting back to PCOS symptoms: how does this affect treatment of my eating disorder? Well, I don’t know! To be honest, I am getting a much better handle on my binges. The frequency has diminished drastically and the size of my binges are now comparable to a heavy meal (sometimes less) rather than the thousands of calories I used to binge on. So I am JUST NOW finding out that I actually had a medical excuse for my overwhelming urges to eat, BUT it was me who took it to a level where it was considered binge eating and an eating disorder. So although in my head I would like to blame my eating disorder on my PCOS, I have to take that impression with a grain of salt. Because there are thousands of women all over the world who suffer from PCOS and don’t have an eating disorder. So after obtaining all that information the main idea I think I am trying to put out is: this changes nothing. I am still sick, and I still need therapy. Because it is me that tells me count the calories I eat, not my PCOS. Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in about 2 weeks. And later I will get into what I saw and how I felt. But first a couple of things I wanted to mention.
Two nights ago I went out to see a huge number of my friends that I had no seen in about a year. It was a great time and I even drank some. No worries, a respectable amount. By the end of the night (keep in mind the whole “event” lasted from 9pm to 1am) I had had maybe 4 drinks. This is less than 1 per hour. But by the end of the night I was slightly tipsy since my alcohol intake has consisted of mainly a sip here and there just to taste, I was after all in wine country! But back to two nights ago, with my inhabitations lowered and very much in a good mood from seeing everyone again, I found myself wanting a binge. I have not binged in a very long time since I do seem to have a handle on it, but with my willpower and sanity slightly compromised I let myself. I had a kit kat, a turkey sandwich, two or three sesame snaps, 2 bowls of cereal and a handful of cheese crackers. Ouch, I know. But this time even though I had pretty much completely sobered up by the end of my binge. I did not feel the need to purge. Just once I was in control of my rational mind and didn’t let Stacy tell me that I was going to wake up huge, fat, 10 sizes bigger. I said to myself, you will look the same in the morning. One binge is not going to make me fat, the same way one meal is not going to make me fat. Now I don’t know if this sudden bit of clarity is something temporary or maybe more permanent, because the following day I was overwhelmed with guilt. Not because I did not purge, but because I had binged in the first place. And I think that’s a good thing? Maybe I can slowly start deleting the word “purge” from Stacy’s list of personality traits. Obviously I will still have to deal with my other issues like binging, calorie restriction, body image and confidence. But lets just fix one symptom at a time. Now back to the scale. I saw that weighed 48kg at the end of the day with a fresh meal in my stomach. This meaning I will most likely be around 47-47.5 in the morning (my actual weight minus the food from the day). I left for France weighing about 50kg. And so 47.5kg will be my lowest ever weight. And I will give the theory on why I currently weigh so little in the next post. But for now the point I am making to you, but mostly myself. Is that one meal, or one binge is in fact not going to make you fat. I managed a three-course meal and a binge without it affecting my weight. Our bodies were built to handle the occasional beating, so it sure as hell can handle a little extra food. ![]() I may be inflicting physical and psychological self-harm to myself every time I purge, telling myself that I am not thin enough to make a come back from whatever meal or binge I just had. But the emotional hurt that I put on others is the hardest to take. I write this in tears after seeing how yet another one of my family members is dealing with my problem. And it kills me that there is next to nothing I can say or do to make them feel better about Stacy and what she is doing to me. They tell me it makes them “sad” or “scared” to see me do this to myself. They hurt every time they notice I am red eyed and coughing after a meal. But what do they want me to tell them? Comfort them? Tell them “don’t worry I’ll be fine”? They tell me their thoughts hoping that somehow their misery will drive me to be better, to get healthy with just those words. But really I just leave feeling worse about myself, feeling like I am chipping away at those who care about me. I am the horrible person to blame for their hurt and their sadness. Knowing myself, this feeling may in certain cases try and convince me to binge. Even now, running hot on emotions, I am listening to the voice telling me to binge and ignoring it.
And what hurts the most is that I never receive praise. This may sound ridiculous to some. Why and how would I receive praise? To others eating a three-course meal and not purging after is normal and insignificant. But to me it’s monumental and a mountain scaled. But every time I slip up, make a mistake or “relapse” I am coddled, looked at with judging faces or broken spirits. I hate to repeat myself but progress will come in waves and failures are bound to happen. So just by having everyone know about Stacy is not going to suddenly be the magic fix. There is no quick fix or else no one would have an eating disorder. There is some false idea that just by suddenly being aware of the problem, the whole thing will be a quick and easy one-month (max) fixer-upper. Thinking that after acknowledging and immediately working on a plan for recovery I too will experience some instantaneous form of upturn. When in reality, I say with deep sadness, I will be extremely lucky to have overcome my eating disorder one year from now, earliest. I’m sorry to all those who are hurt by that statement. But I want to be realistic here on my blog. There is no point in sugarcoating. Because lets be real, I can’t eat sugar. Yet. |